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Tony Porter 談對男性的呼籲

Tony Porter: A call to men

 

講者:Tony Porter

2010年12月演講,2010年12月在TEDWomen上線

 

翻譯:趙弘

編輯:洪曉慧

簡繁轉換:劉契良

後制:趙弘

字幕影片後制:謝旻均

 

 

關於這場演講

在TEDWomen,Tony Porter對全世界男性發出呼籲,別太 「大男人主義」。他講述了自己切身經歷,闡述了為何這種在多數男性身上根深蒂固的觀念,會致使男性對女性,以及對彼此發生蔑視、虐待和傷害。他提出解決辦法:打破陳規,從 「男子漢標準」中解放出來。

 

關於Tony Porter

Tony Porter是教育家和行動者,他為消除對女性暴力侵害所作的努力受到國際肯定。

 

為何要聽他演講:

Tony Porter是非盈利組織 「對男性的呼籲:全國男女終止女性暴力侵害聯會」的策劃者和共同創始人。Porter參與和自我檢視的訊息已將許多家庭暴力和性暴力專案緊密連結到知名組織,如:全國橄欖球聯盟、全國職業籃球聯賽及全國各大專院校,包括:美國西點軍校和位於安納波利斯的美國海軍學院。Porter還是美國國務院國際講師,在剛果民主共和國做過無數演講。

 

他是酒精與藥物成癮研究機構紐約辦公室的教員,在此,他參與編著針對美國黑人依賴藥物的臨床課程,供訓練業界臨床醫生。他還擅長為社會服務組織開發社會公正模型。

 

 「Ted Bunch和Tony Porter以精彩的見證,就男性有責任終止對女性的暴力侵害分享他們的專業觀點,他們更挑戰好心男一起加入解決問題。兩人講述自己的瞭解家庭暴力其實是公民權利問題的旅程。」

摘自My Sister's Place 網站

 

Tony Porter的英語網上資料

首頁:acalltomen.com

 

 [TED科技‧娛樂‧設計]

已有中譯字幕的TED影片目錄(繁體)(簡體)。請注意繁簡目錄是不一樣的。

 

Tony Porter 談對男性的呼籲

我在紐約長大,位於哈林區跟布朗克斯區之間。作為男孩子,大人教給我們,男人必須要堅決、強壯、勇敢、強硬,不許表露痛苦、情感,憤怒除外;當然,也不能畏縮。男性負責,也就是說女性不用。男性引路,你們只要跟著照做就好。男性高一等,女性低一等。男性強大,女性弱小。女性價值不大,是男性的所有物,是物品。更確切說,是性對象。後來我知道,那是男性的共同社會形象標準,或稱其為 「男子漢的標準」。看看這裡面都有什麼,所有關於如何做才夠 Man 的定義。我還想說,毫無疑問,作為男人,有很多美好的事情,非常美好。但與此同時,有些東西實在非常糾結不清。我們確實需要開始加以質疑與審視,並對我們所熟知的男子漢標準,進行解構和重新定義。

這是我的兩個孩子,Kendall和Jay,一個11歲,一個12歲。Kendall比Jay大15個月。有段時間我的妻子,她叫Tammie,還有我,我們非常忙,叮、咚、噹,Kendall和Jay就誕生了。(笑聲)當他們長到五、六歲,四、五歲時,Jay可以過來,哭著跑過來。至於她為什麼哭沒有關係,她可以趴在我的膝蓋上,拿我的袖子擦鼻涕。哭吧,大聲哭,爸爸在呢,就是這樣。

另一方面,如果Kendall,如我所說,他只比妹妹大15個月。他哭著跑過來,或是只要我聽到他的哭聲,就要拉警報了。我會給他大約30秒的時間,也就是說,等他到我跟前,我就會說,「你哭什麼哭?抬起頭來,看著我,告訴我怎麼了?告訴我怎麼了?我不能理解,你為什麼哭?」由於自己的失職,我有責任和義務把他教育成一個男人,讓他符合這些
男子漢標準中的條條框框。我發現我會這麼說,「回你的房間去。回去,回你的房間去。坐下,振作一下,再回來跟我說話,當你可以像」 像什麼?(觀眾:男人) 「像男人一樣」。他才五歲。當我這麼做的時候,我會對自己說,「天呢,我是怎麼了?我在做什麼?我為什麼要這樣做?」回想一下,我想到了我父親。

有一段時間,我們家發生了一次很痛苦的經歷。我哥哥,Henry,當我們十幾歲的時候,他死於不幸。如我所說,我們住在紐約,當時我們住在布朗克斯區。葬禮在一個叫長島的地方舉行,距市區有兩小時車程。當我們準備從墓地返回時,車子停在洗手間旁,讓大家在長途返回之前,下車方便一下。隨後人們都步下禮車,我母親、姐姐、我姑姑,她們都出去了。只有我爸爸和我留在禮車裡。女人們離開不久,他便放聲大哭。他不想在我面前哭,但他知道,回去的路上他會忍不住。在我面前哭,要比在有女性的場合哭方便。這個男人,在10分鐘之前,剛剛把他年幼的兒子親手埋葬。這種痛苦是我無法想像的。我印象最深的是,他為在我面前哭而向我道歉。同時,他還給我鼓勵,把我舉起來,因為我沒哭。

我重新審視這件事,作為男人,我們會害怕,這種害怕讓我們癱瘓,讓我們成為男子漢的標準的奴隸。我還記得跟一個12歲男孩的對話,他踢足球。我問他,我說,「如果當著所有隊員的面,教練說你踢球像個女孩,你會怎麼樣?」我本以為他會說,我會很傷心、憤怒、生氣之類的。但不,男孩這麼跟我說,男孩說,「這會把我毀掉」。於是我自問,「天啊!如果被稱作女孩,就會把他毀掉,那麼關於女孩,我們都教給他些什麼?」

(掌聲)

這把我帶回了我的12歲那年。我在市區的廉租公寓長大,那時我們住在布朗克斯區。一個叫Johnny的傢伙住在我家附近,他當時16歲左右,我們都12歲左右,比較小。他總是跟我們這些小孩玩在一起。這個傢伙,他經常不幹好事。他讓很多家長感到奇怪,「這個16歲孩子,在一群12歲孩子中做什麼?」他也確實不做好事。他是個問題少年,母親因海洛因攝入過量而死,奶奶把他養大,父親不管他。他奶奶有兩份工作,他經常獨自在家。我說過,我們都是小孩,得仰望這個大哥哥。他很酷,他很好。這是那些小妹妹說的,「他很好」。他做過愛,我們都仰望他。

一天,我出門玩,就在周圍玩,我記不得在玩什麼。他在窗口,叫我上去。他說, 「嘿,Anthony」。小時候他叫我Anthony。「嘿,Anthony,快上來」。Johnny叫我,我就去。我跑上樓。他打開門後,對我說,「你想要嗎?」我立刻明白了他的意思。因為在我們長大的那個年代,根據當時的男子漢標準,「你想要嗎?」只有兩層意思,不是性就是毒品,而我們不吸毒。我的準則,我的男子漢準則,立刻受到威脅。有兩點:一,我沒做過愛。男人之間不討論這個,你只會告訴最親密的朋友,讓他發誓保密,跟他講你的第一次。而對其他人,則會說我兩歲就開始做愛了,沒什麼第一次可言。(笑聲)另一點我不能說的是,我不想要。這樣更糟。我們應該時刻窺伺,女性只是物品,確切說,是性對象。總之,這些我都不能說。所以,就如我母親所言,長話短說,我只是對Johnny說,「好」。他讓我到他房間裡。我進去了,躺在床上的是個叫Sheila的鄰居女孩,她16歲,全身赤裸。現在來看,她有心理疾病,有時燥,有時鬱。我們給她取了很多不好的綽號。總之,Johnny剛跟她做完愛。其實,他強姦了她,但他會說是做愛。因為, Sheila從沒說,不;也從沒說,好。

因此他給我機會也這樣做。於是我走進去,關上門。各位,我呆住了。我依門而立,這樣Johnny不能破門而入,發現我什麼都沒幹。我站了好長一會,長到足夠我幹點什麼了。現在,我想的不是要做什麼,而是要怎麼出去。我只有12歲,但很聰明。我把褲拉鍊拉下來,走進客廳。我看到的是,當我和Sheila在房間裡時,Johnny到窗邊呼喚別人上來,所以現在滿屋子都是人,就像醫院的候診室。他們問我感覺如何?我對他們說,「感覺不錯」。然後在他們面前拉上褲拉鍊,走出門去。

我是帶著愧疚說出這段。當時我也帶著極大的愧疚感,但我很矛盾。因為我感到愧疚的同時,又感到興奮,我沒被抓住。而對發生的一切,我覺得糟糕。這種害怕脫離了男子漢的標準,完全包住了我。對我來說,我和我的男子漢標準,曾經比Sheila和她的遭遇更重要。總的來說,我們作為男人,被教育說女性價值不大,把她們看做所有物,看做男人的性物件,這就形成一個等式,等號右邊是對女性的暴力侵害。我們作為男人,作為好男人,就如大多數的男人,我們所做的事,都是在這個社會形象標準下進行。我們以為自己不在此列,但其實我們正是其中之一。各位已看出,我們必須明白,這類價值不大,所有物,性物件的觀念,致使暴力現象頻頻發生。因此解決辦法就在我們身上,同時問題也在我們身上。疾病控制中心說過,男性對女性的暴力現象,已達到流行病的普遍程度,是女性的最大健康隱憂。國內如此,國外亦如此。

所以我再簡單說幾句,這是我生命中的摯愛,我女兒Jay。我希望她的世界裡,我會希望男性如何對待女性?我需要妳們與我一道,共同努力。妳我共同合作,致力於如何培養我們的兒子,教導他們成為男人。可以不強硬,也可以表露情感,可以促進平等,可以擁有單純的女性友人,可以做一個完整的人。我們男性的解放,與妳們女性的解放相依存。我問過一個九歲男孩,我問他說,「如果你不用再遵循這些男子漢標準,你會怎樣?」他告訴我,「我就自由了」。

謝謝大家

(掌聲)
 

以下為系統擷取之英文原文

About this talk

At TEDWomen, Tony Porter makes a call to men everywhere: Don't "act like a man." Telling powerful stories from his own life, he shows how this mentality, drummed into so many men and boys, can lead men to disrespect, mistreat and abuse women and each other. His solution: Break free of the "man box."

About Tony Porter

Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio and more links

Transcript

I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating -- no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger -- and definitely no fear -- that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior, women are inferior; that men are strong, women are weak; that women are of less value -- property of men -- and objects, particularly sexual objects. I've later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the "man box." See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there's some stuff that's just straight up twisted. And we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.

This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They're 11 and 12. Kendall's 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife, her name is Tammie, and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.

Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he came to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?" And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, "Just go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a --" What? (Audience: Man.) "like a man." And he's five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, "My God, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I this?" And I think back. I think back to my father.

There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time. And the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine. And no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn't want cry in front of me. But he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who, 10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground -- something I just can't even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me. And at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.

I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12 year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad, I'd be mad, I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"

(Applause)

It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner-city. At this time we're living in the Bronx. And in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, "What is this 16 year-old boy doing with these 12 year-old boys?" And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn't on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I've got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude. He was cool. He was fine. That's what the sisters said, "He was fine." He was having sex. We all looked up to him.

So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something -- just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what. He looks out his window, he calls me upstairs, he said, "Hey Anthony." They called my Anthony growing up as a kid. "Hey Anthony, come on upstairs." Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?" Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, do you want some meant one of two things, sex or drugs -- and we weren't doing drugs. Now my box, card, man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don't talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two. There ain't no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any. That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.

Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short. I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes." He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She's 16 years old. She's nude. She's what I know today to be mentally ill, higher functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice's-worth of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.

So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I'm petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room and see that I'm not doing anything. And I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room. And lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there's a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office. And they asked me how was it. And I say to them, "It was good." And I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.

Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn't get caught, but I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear getting outside the man box totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.

See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can't happen without it. So we're very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.

So quickly, I'd like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her, how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men -- that it's okay to not be dominating, that it's okay to have feelings and emotions, that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it, that it's okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman.

I remember asking a nine year-old boy. I asked a nine year-old boy, "What would life be like for you, if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?" He said to me, "I would be free."

Thank you folks.

(Applause)
 


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課程討論
我覺得這有點不夠周全,男人這樣做可能某些女人有好處,但是也得看女人怎樣應對。有些女人真的就是希望有男人當她的男人。告訴她該怎麼做,你如果不夠強悍,甚麼事都跟她商量,她真的不要你。你還是得看狀況,這當然不是說可以施行性暴力。

cardalion, 2011-04-06 00:48:45
课程讨论
好方便 谢谢
ezhong, 2011-01-20 16:11:37

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