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Stephen Colbert為2011年西北大學畢業生演講

Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University

 

Photo of three lions hunting on the Serengeti.

講者:Stephen Colbert

2011年6月17日演講

 

翻譯:洪曉慧

編輯:朱學恆

簡繁轉換:洪曉慧

後製:洪曉慧

字幕影片後制:謝旻均

 

影片請按此下載

MAC及手持裝置版本請按此下載

閱讀中文字幕純文字版本

 

關於這場演講(來源examiner.com

Stephen Colbert於2011年6月17日星期五回母校西北大學,在伊利諾州Evanston鎮的Ryan體育館為2011年畢業生演講。

 

關於Stephen Colbert(來源Wikipedia

Stephen Colbert(生於1964年5月13日)是美國政治諷刺家、作家、喜劇演員、電視節目主持人及演員。他是美國喜劇中心頻道諷刺性新聞節目《The Colbert Report》主持人,在節目中以諷刺方式扮演保守政治評論家。

 

Stephen Colbert為2011年西北大學畢業生演講

 

早安。感謝Schapiro校長;感謝校董會主席William Osborn及教務長Dan Linzer;感謝各位遠道而來的家長。別忘了再次感謝他們-當你們搬回家跟他們住時(笑聲)。

 

今天剛好是父親節週末,讓我們感謝一下現場的父親(歡呼聲)(掌聲)。孩子們,做些讓父親開心的事,像是-將男友介紹給父親之前,叫他先拿下舌環(笑聲)。

 

感謝各位2011年畢業生(掌聲)(歡呼聲)。有人說你們是「最偉大的一代」(笑聲)。不是很多,但多少有一些-到目前為止只有我(笑聲)。希望你們不要讓這麼說的我顯得愚蠢至極,所以好好表現,不要有壓力。

 

站在其他榮譽學位得主身旁令我自慚形愧。William Schabas-人權鬥士,他來這裡的目的是為了調查西北大學讓各位畢業生進入就業市場的殘酷行為(笑聲)。Barbara Liskov博士-首位取得計算機科學博士學位的女性。我不知道她在那些性感出名的男程式設計師環繞下怎麼能專心做事(笑聲)(掌聲)。當然,還有歌劇界傳奇Jessye Norman。不過-(歡呼聲)雖然我是她的粉絲,但老實說我有點失望。我習慣以舒伯特的《聖母頌》作開場(笑聲),但我不想搶了別人的鋒頭(笑聲)。(唱歌劇)(笑聲)(掌聲)。還好我只會唱這幾個字(笑聲)。

 

現在-如果你們需要向祖父母解釋我是何方神聖,我的名字叫Stephen Colbert(笑聲);但我也在電視節目中扮演一位名叫Stephen Colbert的記者。我總是搞不清楚被邀請的是哪一位(笑聲)。好,今天,我十分確信來到這裡的是本尊,因為我本人來到西北大學,分身則去了達特茅斯大學(笑聲)。所以他上週末去那裡參加畢業典禮,聽了Conan的演講(笑聲)。那是一場很棒的演講,但他希望如果演講者是Leno(知名脫口秀主持人)會更好。(笑聲)

 

我很榮幸能在畢業25週年之際來到這裡擔任畢業演講者。現場有1986年畢業生嗎?哇!哇!我們該好好敘舊一下(笑聲)。我希望稍後大家能聚一聚,穿上襪套、戴著SONY隨身聽,從Wang Chung、Mr. Mister一路聽到A Flock Of Seagulls(以上均為80、90年代流行樂團)。不過最後大概只有我會這麼做。(笑聲)

 

雖然我很榮幸能來到這裡,但也有點驚訝能獲邀擔任畢業演講者。因為25年前的今天我並沒有順利畢業(笑聲)。我以為我畢業了。我家人來到現場,大家都穿著一身可笑的中世紀服裝(笑聲)。順帶一提,當時的畢業禮服有一頂黑色的中世紀禮帽(笑聲)。但當我上台領取文憑時,Cathy Martin院長遞給我一個文件夾,靠向我說,「抱歉。」(笑聲)。我不知道那是什麼意思,但聽起來不太妙(笑聲)。我希望那是某種新式的拉丁敬語,像是「最優秀的畢業生」(笑聲)。「抱歉-最優秀的畢業生。」(笑聲)

 

但當我回到座位上,打開那個精緻的皮面文件夾時,裡面不是凸版印刷的文憑,而是一張從標準筆記本上撕下的紙,上面寫著,「待會兒來找我,Cathy Martin院長。」(笑聲)沒騙你們。顯然我沒意識到自己有某些課程沒修完。因此,在我和家人合影的畢業照中,我舉著一張黃色筆記紙(笑聲)。我是家族中第一位領到一張黃色筆記紙的畢業生(笑聲),其他人領到的都是畢業證書。(笑聲)

 

所以,請記住,光是能在畢業典禮當天順利畢業,你們職業生涯的開始就比我成功得多。請為這一點感到驕傲(笑聲),因為西北大學是一所值得驕傲的學校。在學術、體育、科學和公共服務等方面,它展現出人類最優秀的一面;而Dillo日(西北大學音樂節)則展現出人類最糟的一面。(笑聲)(歡呼聲)(掌聲)。現在-(歡呼聲)(掌聲)對各位家長來說,Dillo日是一個始於1972年、紀念Armadillo的節日(笑聲)。這是我能提供的最佳解釋,抱歉(笑聲)。今天-紀念Armadillo的方法是一面狂飲Four Loko(酒精咖啡因混合飲料),一面聽著The New Pornographers(加拿大樂團)的歌曲,在滿是全國優等生入圍者的跳舞區裡醉醺醺地亂舞。(笑聲)(歡呼聲)(掌聲)

 

西北大學的校友名單確實令人嘆為觀止。這所大學的畢業生包括暢銷作家、奧運選手、總統候選人、葛萊美獎得主、Peabody獎得主、艾美獎得主-還有我本人!(笑聲)(掌聲)我深愛在西北大學求學的時光,我是轉學生(歡呼聲)(掌聲)。哇!(笑聲)我是來自維吉尼亞州一所純男子學院的轉學生,我在那裡主修哲學,但我決定改唸某個比較有前途的科系-戲劇系(歡呼聲)(掌聲)。這讓我想起我忘了熱身。

 

(以下為戲劇專業人士習慣用來熱身的繞口令)

Amidst the mists and coldest frosts

With barest wrists and stoutest boasts

He thrusts his fist against the posts

And still insists he sees the ghosts

What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two

A thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do

We'll beat a tattoo, at twenty to two

a rat-tat-tat- tat-tat-tat- tat-tat-tattoo

and the dragon will come when he hears the drum

at a minute or two to two today at a minute or two to two

 

(歡呼聲)(掌聲)

 

Wondrous、Wondrous

 

(掌聲)

 

我不僅喜歡研究戲劇,更喜愛當戲劇系學生。這給了我一個在眾人面前沉思的藉口,還有留鬍子及表現出一副陰鬱的模樣(笑聲)。我不僅想扮演哈姆雷特,也想成為哈姆雷特,但我也在這裡接受了很棒的教育。西北大學擁有無與倫比的學術資源。本校圖書館收藏了500萬冊圖書和10萬冊期刊,但沒人讀過,因為它們不在iPad裡(笑聲)。我相信Deering圖書館明年將會變成Chipotle速食店。(笑聲)

 

我想提出一個有趣的事實。最近有個調查發現,在私立大學當中,西北大學學生的性慾最低(笑聲)。我認為這很可能是因為今年西北大學在人類性學課程中提供了相當前衛的教學(笑聲)(掌聲)。我看過一些實驗設備照片,我想你們或許是被那些東西嚇得永遠提不起性慾(笑聲)。或許這骨子裡其實是某種禁慾計畫,或是對情趣用品的病毒式行銷(笑聲)。各位畢業生,希望你們在早午餐中向祖母解釋這段話時能好運些(笑聲)(掌聲)。

 

儘管如此,這種性慾低落的現象依然令人吃驚,因為Evanston鎮到處都是妓院(歡呼聲)(掌聲)。喔,沒錯,確實如此。但謝天謝地,這個城鎮執行了一個有一世紀歷史的地方法令,禁止三個以上無血緣關係的人住在一起,以免他們發生群聚效應,自發性地產生賣淫行為(笑聲)。我十分贊成這條法令,你們還是小心為妙。在目前的經濟局勢下,經營妓院或許是本校學生最可靠的出路(笑聲)。先別急著對我發火,我並不是說西北畢業生最佳的出路就是賣淫,顯然凱洛格商學院畢業生會是皮條客最佳人選(歡呼聲)(掌聲)。我期待各位都能有一番了不起的成就。(笑聲)(掌聲)

 

所以你們有很棒的城市、很棒的學校,你們擁有很棒的學校生活-也許有點太享福了。因為我目睹一些證據顯示,自從我畢業後,西北大學每況愈下。別急著抗議:「喔,他到底在胡說什麼?」你們很清楚我指的是什麼;我指的是「雪日」(笑聲)。你們肯定會希望我沒聽過這件事(笑聲)。

 

2011年2月2日星期三,西北大學因下雪而停課一天。「喔,不!在芝加哥的2月裡,從天上落下的那些白色東西是什麼?」(笑聲)很遺憾,這實在遜斃了。讓我問問現場的校友們,你們曾經因為天氣稍微冷了點就停課嗎?不!因為身為野貓(Wildcat,西北大學吉祥物)就該有野貓的樣子!(掌聲)看在老天的份上,西北大學之所以叫西北大學,是因為它一開始就建在西北地區!本校第一屆畢業生全都順利取得獵獸皮和凍傷雙學位(笑聲)。我在這裡就讀的第一個冬季-這是千真萬確的事,你們可以查證-我遇上到目前為止依然是芝加哥歷史上最冷的一天:1985年1月20日,氣溫是零下27度(約攝氏零下32度),在風寒效應下感覺就像零下83度(約攝氏零下64度)(喔!)沒錯,一個不小心,你的生殖器就會像全麥餅乾一樣碎掉(笑聲)。西北大學停課了嗎?不!我們還是得上課!(笑聲)好吧,我算是例外。我是戲劇系學生,並不是那麼常去上課。但我們還是該去上課!(笑聲)我不是說過我有學分沒修完嗎?(笑聲)

 

當時我們沒有手機,如果你計畫與某人在暴風雪中碰面,如果他們沒出現,你只能假設他們被狼吃了,然後繼續過生活(笑聲)。我們無法發簡訊,當然也無法互傳裸照。如果你想將私處的照片傳給某人,就非得傳真不可(笑聲),這就是Kinkos(商務便利商店)的由來(笑聲)(掌聲)。你得填寫一堆基本資料,實在尷尬透了(笑聲)。

 

但這所曾經卓越的學府令學生失望的最明顯例子是什麼?1986年,本校的畢業演講者是George Schultz-美國國務卿,第四順位總統繼承者。你們卻只請到我(笑聲)-基本有線電視頻道第二受歡迎的假主播(笑聲)。照這樣下去,2021年畢業生將會聽一隻戴著學士帽、受過說「恭喜」訓練的鸚鵡演講(笑聲)。

 

但我不是來這裡談自己的,我來這裡的目的是鼓勵你們-藉由談論我自己(笑聲)。提醒一下:我們正進入這場演講真正有意義的部份,那些已擁有足夠人生意義的人可以找點別的事做-也許想一下你把租來的車停在哪裡。(笑聲)

 

今年春天,我參加了一場帆船比賽,從南卡羅來納州出發,橫越大西洋,前往百慕達。以許多方面來說,這是一趟美妙的旅程;星星在頭頂上閃耀,鯨魚掠過帆船右舷-我想應該是這個方向(笑聲)。另一方面來說,這是一趟驚險的旅程。整整七天,我們又髒又累,沒有人能連續睡超過三個小時。記得嗎?這就是史達林摧毀敵人的方法,也是嬰兒讓父母崩潰的原因(笑聲)。你們有一天會瞭解。

 

我們最後終於抵達百慕達,在那裡待了幾天後,我搭飛機回家。當我望向窗外時,感覺十分不真實。飛越我們不久前才歷經千辛萬苦橫渡的數千哩水域,感覺十分奇怪。回程時的輕而易舉,不知怎麼地,讓我很難向朋友描述對這趟旅程的感覺,很難形容我到底失去了什麼或得到了什麼。在這趟壯觀而驚險的旅程中,以某方面來說,這種不真實感就跟25年後回到這裡,試著告訴你們如何尋找未來方向的感覺一樣,但人們似乎認為這對我來說輕而易舉。

 

因為跟許多同齡人一樣,我曾經幻想及時回到過去,給年輕的自己一些忠告:在某個街角攔下年輕的Stephen,對他說,「跟她分手吧,你這個白痴(笑聲)。你沒發現她對狗比對你還好嗎?」或是「買房地產。」或「看在上帝的份上,千萬別買房地產!」(笑聲)或「千萬別穿白色牛仔褲(笑聲),即使是在遊艇上。還有,千萬別搭遊艇。」(笑聲)或「記得擦防曬油。擁有一身古銅色皮膚現在看起來確實不錯,但二十年後,你的臉看起來會像捕手的手套。」(笑聲)但我懷疑年輕的我是否聽得進這些話。我確信他會這麼說,「你不可能比得上我;至少我有下巴。」(笑聲)此外,年輕的我肯定會看不起現在的我。他在劇院裡演出(笑聲),我則是在「電視」上表演(笑聲)。我完全背離了當初的夢想。

 

因此,我簡要地做個總結。我打算給你們一些事實上是我想給25年前的自己的建議,其中有些建議或許並不正確,你們或許並不苟同。準備好了嗎?開始吧!

 

好的。人們總是要你追隨自己的夢想,但是-如果那是個愚蠢的夢想呢?(笑聲)(掌聲)例如,25年前的Stephen Colbert和兩男三女一起住在北嶺大道2015號,我現在才知道那是一間妓院(笑聲)。他夢想能獨自居住-好吧,和他的鬍子一起-住在一間寬敞的閣樓公寓裡,採用大量淺色木製裝潢,穿著和服,地板上放著日式床墊,一壺茶在背景裡不斷地冒煙,在街頭為街友們表演莎士比亞戲劇。今天,我是一個沒蓄鬍、住在郊區一間小屋裡的父親,穿著免燙卡其襯衫,靠著嘲笑Anthony Wiener(美國眾議員)為生(笑聲)。

 

我喜愛這種生活。因為幸運的是,夢想可以改變。如果我們全都堅持人生最初的夢想,這個世界將滿是牛仔和公主(笑聲)。所以,無論你現在的夢想是什麼,如果沒有達成,並不代表你一敗塗地,也不代表你是失敗者。但同樣重要的是-這就是我所謂或許並不正確、你們或許無法苟同的部份-如果你確實實現了夢想,也不代表你是贏家。

 

從這所學校畢業後,我搬到芝加哥,從事即興劇演出。即興劇沒什麼規則可言,但我剛出道時學到的其中一條規則是-別認為自己是場景中最重要的角色。每個角色都很重要,如果你認為其他角色都比你重要,你自然會將注意力放在他們身上,為他們付出心力。但好消息是,你也在同一個場景中,所以希望對他們來說,你也是最重要的角色,他們將盡心為你付出。沒有任何人是主角,每個人都是配角,每個人都得為他人付出;你無法在即興劇中獨佔鰲頭。人生就像一齣即興劇,你不知道接下來會發生什麼,大多時候你只能隨機應變。正如即興劇一樣,你無法在人生中獨佔鰲頭,即使你看似已取得勝利。例如,我擁有自己熱愛的節目,身邊圍繞著才華洋溢的人,他們盡心地為我付出。這很棒;但最重要的是,我也同樣盡心為他們付出,大家為了共同的理想而付出。以Stephen Colbert這個角色為例,顯然他沒興趣為任何人付出。當演出漸入佳境時,一個明確的徵兆是,沒人會記得哪個點子是出自於誰的想法,或某個笑點該歸功於誰;雖然通常所有笑點都歸功於我(笑聲)。

 

但如果我們應該為他人付出、為某個共同的目標或理想貢獻心力,對台下的你們來說,你該為哪些理想付出?該為哪些人付出?以我的經驗來說,你只會真心為自己所愛的事物付出,因為付出是愛的表現。如果你愛朋友,就會為朋友付出;如果你愛社區,就會為社區付出;如果你愛錢,就會為錢付出;如果你只愛自己,就只會為自己付出,你擁有的也只有自己。

 

所以人生沒有所謂輸贏。相反地,試著去愛別人、為他人付出,並期待能找到喜愛你、願意為你付出的人。

 

最後,我想為自己的了無新意道歉。紐約時報分析了到2011年為止的數百場畢業演講,發現「愛」和「付出」是其中最常出現的兩個字眼。我只希望因為我今天的演講,「妓院」這個字眼能榮登第三名寶座。(笑聲)(掌聲)

 

感謝各位讓我有榮幸替你們演講。(掌聲)

 

恭喜2011年畢業生。(歡呼聲)(掌聲)

 

以下為系統擷取之英文原文

About This Talk

Stephen Colbert returned to his alma mater Northwestern University on Friday (June 17) to deliver the commencement speech to the graduating Class of 2011 at Ryan Field in Evanston, IL.
 
 
About Stephen Colbert
Stephen Tyrone Colbert ( born May 13, 1964) is an American political satirist, writer, comedian, television host, and actor. He is the host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, a satirical news show in which Colbert portrays a caricatured version of conservative political pundits.
 
 
About The Transcript
GOOD MORNING. THANK YOU PRESIDENT SCHAPIRO, AND MY THANKS CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES WILLIAM OSBORN AND PROVOST DAN LINZER-
 
AND THANK YOU, PARENTS! (CLAPS) OF COURSE, IF YOU DON'T THANK THEM NOW, YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO THANK THEM TOMORROW WHEN YOU MOVE BACK IN WITH THEM. 
 
AND SINCE IT'S FATHER'S DAY WEEKEND, LET'S SHOW SOME SPECIAL LOVE TO ALL THE DADS OUT THERE. (CLAPS) DO SOMETHING NICE FOR DAD TODAY-  LIKE BEFORE YOU INTRODUCE YOUR BOYFRIEND, ASK HIM TO REMOVE HIS TONGUE RING.
 
AND THANK YOU TO THE CLASS OF 2011. (CLAP)
 
YOU ARE WHAT SOME HAVE CALLED "THE GREATEST GENERATION". NOT MANY - BUT SOME - SO FAR JUST ME. AND I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO NOT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT FOR SAYING THAT. SO BE GREAT -NO PRESSURE.
 
I AM HUMBLED TO BE STANDING HERE WITH TODAY'S OTHER HONORARY DEGREE RECIPIENTS.  WILLIAM SCHABAS, HUMAN RIGHTS CHAMPION.  WHO IS HERE TO INVISTIGATE NORTHWESTERN FOR CRUELLY ALLOWING YOU TO GRADUATE INTO THIS JOB MARKET. DOCTOR BARBARA LISKOV - THE FIRST WOMAN TO EARN A P-H-D IN COMPUTER SCIENCE - I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE COULD CONCENTRATE SURROUNDED BY ALL THOSE NOTORIOUSLY SEXY MALE PROGRAMMERS – AND OPERA LEGEND JESSYE NORMAN, THOUGH THAT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF A DISAPPOINTMENT- I NORMALLY START THE SPEECHES BY SINGING SCHUBERT'S AVE MARIA, BUT I DONT WANT TO STEAL ANYBODY'S THUNDER. SO I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT TODAY.
 
NOW, AS YOU HAVE EXPLAINED TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS, MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT, BUT I ALSO PLAY A CHARACTER ON T-V WHO IS NAMED STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I DON'T ALWAYS KNOW WHICH OF US HAS BEEN INVITED SOMEPLACE. WELL, TODAY, I'M FAIRLY CONFIDENT THAT I'M ME.  BECAUSE I WENT TO NORTHWESTERN AND MY CHARACTER WENT TO DARTMOUTH. SO HE WAS THERE FOR GRADUATION LAST WEEKEND AND HEARD CONAN. IT WAS A GREAT SPEECH. BUT HE WAS HOPING FOR LENO.
 
I AM HONORED TO BE YOUR COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER ON THIS, THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY OF MY GRADUATING CLASS.  ANY FELLOW CLASS OF 86ERS HERE TODAY? REMEMBER, LATER WE'RE ALL GONNA GET TOGETHER, PUT ON SOME LEG WARMERS, CRANK UP OUR SONY WALKMEN, AND WANG CHUNG TO MR. MISTER UNTIL THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS COME HOME.
 
BUT AS HONORED AS I AM TO BE HERE, I AM ALSO A BIT SURPRISED TO BE YOUR GRADUATION SPEAKER, CONSIDERING THAT 25 YEARS AGO TODAY, I DID NOT ACTUALLY GRADUATE. I THOUGHT I WAS GRADUATING-- MY FAMILY WAS HERE, I WAS WEARING THIS RIDICULOUS MEDIEVAL GARB. BUT WHEN I WENT UP TO GET MY DIPLOMA, AND THE DEAN, CATHY MARTIN, HANDED ME THE FOLDER, SHE LEANED IN AND SAID, "I'M  SORRY." NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANT, BUT IT DIDN'T SOUND GOOD. I WAS HOPING IT WAS WAS SOME NEW FORM OF LATIN HONORIFIC-- LIKE SUMMA CUM LAUDE-  "I'M SORRY"-CUM-LAUDE.  BUT WHEN I GOT BACK TO MY SEAT AND OPENED THE HANDSOME PLEATHER FOLDER, INSTEAD OF CONTAINING AN EMBOSSED DIPLOMA, THERE WAS INSTEAD A PIECE OF PAPER TORN FROM A LEGAL PAD THAT SAID, "SEE ME, DEAN CATHY MARTIN."  EVIDENTLY I HAD AN INCOMPLETE OF WHICH I WAS NOT AWARE. SO, IN MY GRADUATION PHOTOS WITH MY FAMILY, I AM SHEEPISHLY HOLDING A SCRAP OF YELLOW PAPER. THE FIRST MEMBER OF MY FAMILY TO EARN A SCRAP OF YELLOW PAPER- THE REST OF THEM GOT DIPLOMAS. SO, REMEMBER- JUST BY GRADUATING ON YOUR GRADUATION DAY, YOU ARE STARTING YOUR CAREER WAY AHEAD OF ME. BE PROUD.
 
BECAUSE NORTHWESTERN IS A SCHOOL TO BE PROUD OF.   IN ACADEMICS, ATHLETICS, SCIENCE, AND PUBLIC SERVICE, IT REPRESENTS HUMANITY AT ITS BEST, AND ON DILLO DAY, IT REPRESENTS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST -  FOR PARENTS, DILLO DAY IS A FESTIVAL THAT STARTED IN 1972 TO HONOR THE ARMADILLO...THAT IS THE BEST EXPLANATION I CAN OFFER. TODAY ARMADILLOS ARE HONORED BY DRINKING 4LOKO OUT OF A SUPER SOAKER WHILE DANCING TO THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS IN A DRUNKEN MOSH PIT FILLED MOSTLY WITH NATIONAL MERIT FINALISTS.
 
NORTHWESTERN'S ALUMNI LIST IS TRULY IMPRESSIVE. THIS UNIVERSITY HAS GRADUATED BEST SELLING AUTHORS, OLYMPIANS, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, GRAMMY WINNERS, PEABODY WINNERS, EMMY WINNERS, AND THAT'S JUST ME!
 
I LOVED MY TIME HERE - I WAS A TRANSFER STUDENT FROM A SMALL, ALL MALE COLLEGE IN VIRGINIA, WHERE I HAD BEEN A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR, BUT I DECIDED TO SWITCH TO SOMETHING WITH STRONGER JOB PROSPECTS:  THEATER MAJOR.
 
WHICH REMINDS ME I FORGOT TO WARM UP. [COLBERT THEN GIVES A STANDARD WARM-UP RECITATION USED BY THEATRE PROFESSIONALS OF THE FOLLOWING TONGUE TWISTER: "ADMIST THE MISTS AND COLDEST FROSTS WITH BAREST WRISTS AND STOUTEST BOASTS HE THRUSTS HIS FISTS AGAINST THE POSTS AND STILL INSISTS HE SEES THE GHOSTS." HE THEN CONTINUES THE EXAGGERATED PRETEND WARM-UP, SPEWING WORDS AT A HILARIOUSLY FAST SPEED.]
 
I NOT ONLY LOVED STUDYING THEATER, I LOVED BEING A THEATER MAJOR. IT GAVE ME AN EXCUSE TO BROOD, TO GROW A BEARD, TO WEAR BLACK "AT" PEOPLE. I DIDN'T JUST WANT TO PLAY HAMLET, I WANTED TO BE HAMLET.
 
NORTHWESTERN'S ACADEMIC RESOURCES ARE UNPARALLELED. THE LIBRARY CONTAINS 5 MILLION BOOKS,  AND 100,000 PERIODICALS, NONE OF WHICH ANYONE READS BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ON AN I-PAD. NEXT YEAR, I BELIEVE DEERING LIBRARY IS BEING COVERTED INTO A CHIPOTLE.
 
HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT - A RECENT POLL  AMONG PRIVATE UNIVERSITIES FOUND THAT STUDENTS AT NORTHWESTERN HAVE THE LOWEST DESIRE TO HAVE SEX. I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY BECAUSE THIS YEAR,  NORTHWESTERN OFFERED SOME TRULY ADVANCED INSTRUCTION IN HUMAN SEXUALITY. I SAW SOME PHOTOS OF THE LAB EQUIPMENT, AND I'M THINKING IT MAY HAVE SCARED YOU PEOPLE OFF OF SEX FOREVER.  IT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN A STEALTH ABSTINENCE PROGRAM, OR VIRAL AD FOR TRUE VALUE HARDWARE.  GRADUATES, GOOD LUCK EXPLAINING WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER AT BRUNCH.
 
STILL, THAT LOW SEX DRIVE IS SURPRISING, GIVEN THAT EVANSTON IS RIDDLED WITH BROTHELS - OH YEAH, THEY ARE OUT THERE- BUT THANKFULLY THIS TOWN IS FINALLY ENFORCING A CENTURY OLD CITY ORDINANCE THAT PROHIBITS MORE THAN THREE UNRELATED INDIVIDUALS FROM LIVING TOGETHER, LEST THEY REACH CRITICAL MASS, AND SPONTANEOUSLY PROSTITUTE THEMSELVES. I'M ALL FOR THIS LAW.  CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL. IN THIS ECONOMY, RUNNING A BROTHEL MAY BE THE MOST RELIABLE WORK OUT THERE. AND BEFORE EVERYBODY JUMPS ON ME, I AM NOT SAYING THAT EVERYBODY AT NORTHWESTERN WILL BECOME PROSTITUTES. OBVIOUSLY THE KELLOGG GRADUATES WILL BECOME PIMPS. EXPECTING BIG THINGS FROM YOU FOLKS.
 
SO YOU HAVE A GREAT TOWN, A GREAT SCHOOL, A GREAT LIFE HERE. MAYBE TOO GREAT. BECAUSE I SEE EVIDENCE THAT SINCE I LEFT, NORTHWESTERN HAS GONE SOFT. AND DON'T GO,  "OH WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?" YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.  I'M TALKING ABOUT: THE SNOW DAY. YOU WERE HOPING I HADNT HEARD ABOUT THAT. ON WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2ND,  2011, NORTHWESTERN WAS CLOSED BECAUSE OF SNOW. 'OH NO!  WHAT'S THAT WHITE STUFF COMING FROM THE SKY...IN CHICAGO...IN FEBRUARY!" I'M SORRY, THAT IS WEAK.  LET ME ASK THE ALUMNI HERE: YOU EVER HAVE CLASSES CALLED BECAUSE IT WAS A LITTLE BRISK OUTSIDE? NO! CUZ WE WERE WILDCATS WHEN WILDCATS WERE WILDCATS! FOR PETE'S SAKE IT'S CALLED NORTHWESTERN BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS FOUNDED THIS WAS THE NORTHWEST TERRITORIES! IT'S FIRST GRADUATING CLASS WAS OFFERED DOUBLE MAJOR IN FUR TRAPPING AND FROST BITE. AND MY FIRST WINTER HERE, TRUE STORY, I ENDURED WHAT IS STILL THE COLDEST DAY IN CHICAGO HISTORY - JANUARY 20TH, 1985.   NEGATIVE 27 DEGREES, NEGATIVE 83 WITH THE WINDCHILL, YOU WEREN'T CAREFUL, YOUR GENITALS COULD SNAP OFF LIKE A GRAHAM CRACKER. DID NU CLOSE? NO! WE WENT TO CLASS! WELL, NOT ME, I WAS A THEATER MAJOR, AND DIDNT GO TO CLASS THAT OFTEN. BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO! HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I FINISHED COLLEGE WITH AN INCOMPLETE? 
 
AND WE DIDN'T HAVE CELL PHONES.  IF YOU MADE PLANS TO MEET SOMEONE IN A SNOW STORM,  AND THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP, YOU JUST HAD TO ASSUME THEY WERE DEVOURED BY WOLVES AND GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE.
 
AND WE COULDN'T TEXT. AND WE CERTAINLY COULDN'T "SEXT" EACH OTHER. IF YOU WANTED TO  SEND SOMEONE A PICTURE OF YOUR PRIVATE PARTS, YOU HAD TO FAX IT. THAT'S HOW KINKOS GOT IT'S NAME. YOU HAD TO FILL OUT A COVER LETTER - IT WAS EMBARRASING.
 
BUT THE CLEAREST EXAMPLE OF HOW THIS ONCE GREAT INSTITUTION HAS FAILED YOU STUDENTS? IN 1986, OUR COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER WAS "GEORGE SCHULTZ," SECRETARY OF STATE, FOURTH IN LINE TO THE PRESIDENT. YOU GET ME- BASIC CABLE'S SECOND MOST POPULAR FAKE NEWSMAN. AT THIS RATE THE CLASS OF 2021 WILL BE ADDRESSED BY A ZOO PARROT IN A MORTAR BOARD THAT HAS BEEN TRAINED TO SAY "CONGRATULATIONS."
 
**********
 
BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT ME - I AM HERE TO INSPIRE YOU BY TALKING ABOUT ME.
 
FAIR WARNING: WE ARE NOW ENTERING THE MEANINGFUL PART OF THE SPEECH: THOSE OF YOU WHO ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH MEANING IN THEIR LIVES CAN GO DO SOMETHING ELSE- MAYBE TRY TO REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED THE RENTAL CAR.
 
THIS SPRING, I PARTICIPATED IN A SAILING RACE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA HALF WAY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC TO BERMUDA.  IN MANY WAYS IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL JOURNEY, STARS WHEELING OVER HEAD, WHALES BREACHING TO STARBOARD, WHICH I THINK IS OVER HERE. AND IN MANY OTHER WAYS IT WAS HORRIBLE. WE WERE FILTHY AND TIRED -  FOR SEVEN DAYS NONE OF US SLEPT FOR MORE THAN THREE HOURS AT A TIME. WHICH IS HOW STALIN BROKE HIS ENEMIES. AND HOW INFANTS BREAK THEIR PARENTS.
 
WE EVENTUALLY MADE IT TO BERMUDA,  AND AFTER A FEW DAYS THERE, I CAME BACK HOME BY PLANE. AND LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,  IT FELT COMPLETELY ARTIFICIAL TO FLY OVER THAT SAME THOUSAND MILES OF WATER THAT WE JUST FOUGHT OUR WAY ACROSS INCH BY INCH. THE EASE OF COMING BACK SOMEHOW MADE IT THAT MUCH HARDER TO EXPLAIN TO FRIENDS WHAT WAS IT WAS LIKE OUT THERE- WHAT WAS LOST AND WHAT WAS GAINED ON THAT SUBLIME AND TERRIBLE TRIP. AND IN SOME WAYS, IT FEELS JUST AS ARTIFICIAL TO FLY BACK TO THIS PLACE AFTER 25 YEARS TO TRY TO TELL YOU HOW TO NAVIGATE THE WATERS AHEAD.
 
THOUGH IT'S TEMPTING TO THINK THAT I CAN.
 
BECAUSE LIKE MANY PEOPLE MY AGE, I HAVE FANTASIZED ABOUT TRAVELING  BACK IN TIME AND GIVING ADVICE TO MY YOUNGER SELF.  TO STOP YOUNG STEPHEN ON A STREET CORNER, AND SAY,
 
"BREAK UP WITH HER, YOU IDIOT. HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED THAT SHE'S NICER TO THE DOG?!"  OR, "BUY REAL ESTATE," OR, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T BUY REAL ESTATE!"
 
OR "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU WEAR WHITE JEANS. EVEN ON A CRUISE. ALSO, DON'T GO ON A CRUISE. "
 
OR "WEAR SUNSCREEN - HAVING A TAN LOOKS NICE NOW, BUT IN TWENTY YEARS, YOUR FACE WILL LOOK LIKE A CATCHER'S MITT."
 
BUT I DOUBT MY YOUNGER SELF WOULD EVEN LISTEN TO ME. I'M SURE HE'D SAY "THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD BE ME.  I HAVE A CHIN."  PLUS, YOUNG ME WOULD NEVER RESPECT OLD ME.  HE'S IN THE THEATER.  I WORK IN "TV."  I'M A TOTAL SELLOUT.
 
SO TO RECAP: I'M GOING TO TRY TO GIVE YOU, WHO FOR ALL INTENTS AND  PURPOSES ARE ME 25 YEARS AGO, SOME ADVICE THAT I PROBABLY WON'T GET RIGHT, AND YOU PROBABLY WON'T LISTEN TO. READY?
 
LET'S DO THIS THING!
 
OK: YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.  BUT  - WHAT IF IT'S A STUPID DREAM? FOR INSTANCE STEPHEN COLBERT OF 25 YEARS AGO LIVED AT 2015 NORTH RIDGE - WITH TWO MEN AND THREE WOMEN - IN WHAT I NOW KNOW WAS A BROTHEL.  HE DREAMED OF LIVING ALONE - WELL, ALONE WITH HIS BEARD -  IN A LARGE,  BARREN LOFT APARTMENT - LOTS OF BLOND WOOD- WEARING A KIMONO, WITH A FUTON ON THE FLOOR, AND A SAMOVAR OF TEA CONSTANTLY BUBBLING IN THE BACKGROUND, DOING SHAKESPEARE IN THE STREET FOR THE HOMELESS. TODAY, I AM A BEARDLESS, SUBURBAN DAD WHO LIVES IN A HOUSE, WEARS NO-IRON KHAKIS, AND MAKES ANTHONY WIENER JOKES FOR A LIVING. AND I LOVE IT. BECAUSE THANKFULLY DREAMS CAN CHANGE.  IF WE'D ALL STUCK WITH OUR FIRST DREAM, THE WORLD WOULD BE OVERRUN WITH COWBOYS AND PRINCESSES. 
 
SO WHATEVER YOUR DREAM IS RIGHT NOW, IF YOU DON'T ACHIEVE IT, YOU HAVEN'T FAILED, AND YOU'RE NOT SOME LOSER. BUT JUST AS IMPORTANTLY -AND THIS IS THE PART I MAY NOT GET RIGHT AND YOU MAY NOT LISTEN TO - IF YOU DO GET YOUR DREAM, YOU ARE NOT A WINNER.
 
AFTER  I GRADUATED FROM HERE, I MOVED DOWN TO CHICAGO AND DID IMPROV. NOW THERE ARE VERY FEW RULES TO IMPROVISATION, BUT ONE OF THE THINGS I WAS TAUGHT EARLY ON IS THAT YOU ARE NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE SCENE. EVERYBODY ELSE IS. AND IF THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE SCENE, YOU WILL NATURALLY PAY ATTENTION TO THEM AND SERVE THEM. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU'RE IN THE SCENE TOO. SO HOPEFULLY TO THEM YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON, AND THEY WILL SERVE YOU. NO ONE IS LEADING, YOU'RE ALL FOLLOWING THE FOLLOWER, SERVING THE SERVANT. YOU CANNOT WIN IMPROV.
 
AND LIFE IS AN IMPROVISATION. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT AND YOU ARE MOSTLY JUST MAKING THINGS UP AS YOU GO ALONG.
 
AND LIKE IMPROV, YOU CANNOT WIN YOUR LIFE.
 
EVEN WHEN IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE WINNING.  I HAVE MY OWN SHOW, WHICH I LOVE DOING. FULL OF VERY TALENTED PEOPLE READY TO SERVE ME. AND IT'S GREAT. BUT AT MY BEST, I AM SERVING THEM JUST AS HARD, AND TOGETHER, WE  SERVE A COMMON IDEA, IN THIS CASE THE CHARACTER STEPHEN COLBERT, WHO IT'S CLEAR, ISN'T INTERESTED IN SERVING ANYONE. AND A SURE SIGN THAT THINGS ARE GOING WELL IS WHEN NO ONE CAN REALLY REMEMBER WHOSE IDEA WAS WHOSE, OR WHO SHOULD GET CREDIT FOR WHAT JOKES.
 
THOUGH NATURALLY I CREDIT FOR ALL OF THEM. 
 
BUT IF WE SHOULD SERVE OTHERS, AND TOGETHER SERVE SOME COMMON GOAL OR IDEA -  FOR ANY ONE YOU, WHAT IS THAT IDEA? AND WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
 
IN MY EXPERIENCE, YOU WILL TRULY SERVE ONLY WHAT YOU LOVE, BECAUSE, AS THE PROPHET SAYS, SERVICE IS LOVE MADE VISIBLE.
 
IF YOU LOVE FRIENDS, YOU WILL SERVE YOUR FRIENDS.
 
IF YOU LOVE COMMUNITY, YOU WILL SERVE YOUR COMMUNITY.
 
IF YOU LOVE MONEY, YOU WILL SERVE YOUR MONEY.
 
AND IF YOU LOVE ONLY YOURSELF, YOU WILL SERVE ONLY YOURSELF. AND YOU WILL HAVE ONLY YOURSELF.
 
SO NO MORE WINNING. INSTEAD, TRY TO LOVE OTHERS AND SERVE OTHERS, AND HOPEFULLY FIND THOSE WHO LOVE AND SERVE YOU IN RETURN.
 
IN CLOSING, I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING PREDICTABLE. THE NEW YORK TIMES HAS ANALYZED THE HUNDREDS OF COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES GIVEN SO FAR IN 2011, AND FOUND THAT "LOVE," AND "SERVICE" WERE TWO OF THE MOST USED WORDS.
 
I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT BECAUSE OF MY SPEECH TODAY, THE WORD "BROTHEL" COMES IN A CLOSE THIRD.
 
THANK YOU FOR THE HONOR OF ADDRESSING YOU, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO THE CLASS OF 2011.

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Anonymous, 2014-04-14 20:05:12
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Anonymous, 2014-04-14 20:05:04
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帆船的例子真的很發人省思
Anonymous, 2012-11-14 22:57:00

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