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Stephen Colbert為2015年維克弗斯特大學畢業生演講

Stephen Colbert’s Surprisingly Earnest Wake Forest Commencement Speech

 

Photo of three lions hunting on the Serengeti.

講者:Stephen Colbert

2015年5月18日演講

 

翻譯:洪曉慧

編輯:朱學恆

簡繁轉換:洪曉慧

後製:洪曉慧

字幕影片後制:謝旻均

 

影片請按此下載

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閱讀中文字幕純文字版本

 

關於這場演講(來源twcnews.com

喜劇演員Stephen Colbert為2015年維克弗斯特大學畢業生演講。除了笑話之外,他也在演講中給了學生一些建議。

 

關於Stephen Colbert(來源Wikipedia

Stephen Tyrone Colbert(生於1964年5月13日)是美國喜劇演員、作家、製片人、演員、名嘴和電視節目主持人。他於2005至2014年擔任美國喜劇中心頻道諷刺性新聞節目《The Colbert Report》主持人,在節目中以諷刺方式扮演保守政治評論家。根據2014年4月10日的報導,Colbert已被選定在大衛.萊特曼於2015年5月退休後接任他在CBS晚間秀的主持工作。

 

Stephen Colbert為2015年維克弗斯特大學畢業生演講

 

早安。哦,多麼美好的一天,多麼可愛的一天。很榮幸為維克弗斯特大學2015年畢業生演講。我想先感謝教務處及校董會邀請我來此演講,我想感謝他們授予我人文學榮譽博士學位,我對人類十分感興趣。我得感謝他們讓我在脖子上圍這個東西,在像今天這樣寒冷的日子,這比漂亮圍巾好用多了。(笑聲)

 

我要特別感謝貴校校長Nathan O. Hatch,你們叫他Nate Dogg(美國音樂人)、Natty Othe Hatchet(書名《手斧男孩》)、Hatch Adams、Sen. Orrin Hatch(美國參議員)、Angel Dust(天使塵)。只有幾個是我編的,其他都是真的。當然,我們不能忘了各位的家長。為了造就了今天的你們,他們犧牲了太多東西,主要是錢。我敢肯定他們也犧牲了其他東西,但-我猜他們最常提起的就是錢。最重要的是,恭喜你們,2015年畢業生。你們做到了。你們看起來容光煥發,雖然有點尷尬的是,你們全都穿著同樣的衣服。確實,甚至所有配件都相同,每個人都掛著黑色與金色的流蘇。或是藍色和白色?祖父母們,不懂沒關係,你們只要知道這是代溝問題。你們有越戰,你們的孫輩有顏色模棱兩可的tumblr照片。

 

我很自豪擔任今天的畢業演講嘉賓,因為我知道我追隨的是傑出前人的腳步。去年你們聽了《紐約時報》總編輯Jill Abramson的演講,不幸的是,她在演講之前五天丟了工作。不知道我的新工作是否有著落,你們知道嗎?拜託告訴我一聲,我實在很需要錢,我孩子還在唸大學。當然,對各位畢業生來說,未來的不確定性就像打哈欠時張開的大口一樣深不見底。不過別擔心,你們大約在兩個鐘頭內不需面對未來。先吃頓早午餐,再面對如打哈欠般的不確定性。但目前你們仍依偎在維克弗斯特美好而令人欣慰的懷抱。關於這所學校的創立有個有趣的故事。維克弗斯特創辦人Samuel Wait當時正試著為另一所學校籌募資金,但他的馬在途中逃跑,他被困在附近,因此當地人要求他領導當地的新大學。那是個單純的時代,在那個時代他們只是把大學交給坐騎最近逃跑的人。這個人控制不了他的坐騎?他肯定能教我們一些東西。當然,維克弗斯特,或「怪人弗」-Kersh教務長叮嚀我不要這麼稱呼-並非一直是像現在這樣純粹的學術機構。它創立時有個魅力十足的名字:「維克弗斯特勞動所」。學生得花半天時間在田裡勞動,第一批學生只有16人,其中一個只有12歲,但他是個奇才,他搬糧袋的技術已達大學程度。

 

在當時,如果你不唸維克弗斯特勞動所,你可以選擇「北卡羅萊納苦力學院」。當然,那就是現在的北卡羅萊納大學教堂山分校。維克弗斯特一向是學術上的領袖。19世紀後期,它是南方第一所在實驗室教生物學的學校。提醒一下,你在結婚前不該學生物學。1962年,維克弗斯特進行一項令人驕傲的創舉,成為南方第一所廢止種族隔離制度的私立學校。因此-是的,你們沒有陽奉陰違,很好。很好、很好。你們不瞭解當時的情況。你們不瞭解,即使現在,維克弗斯特仍扮演學術先鋒的角色。你們是美國前30所將標準化測驗列為非必選的學校之一,這造成相當大的影響。試想一下:在30名入學申請者中,其中15名選擇SAT測驗,10名選擇ACT測驗,5名不參加任何測驗,計算其中的比例-算了,你們不必知道這些事。儘管維克弗斯特是學術界的先鋒,它仍是一所尊重傳統的學校,例如贏得重大勝利後在校園裡掛滿衛生紙。事實上這是一個有益環保的傳統,因為以本賽季的戰績來看,你們省了不少衛生紙。(笑聲)(掌聲)讓我為你們扳回一城:杜克爛透了!(歡呼聲)(掌聲)

 

我想提出一項我喜愛「用衛生紙裝飾校園」的理由:它真的黏在樹上。我是指把處理過的紙漿掛在它的親戚身上?這傳遞了一個殘酷的訊息,這就像拿皮包丟鱷魚,或拿琴鍵丟大象。我們談談校園裸奔。有人的禮袍下一絲不掛嗎?沒有?只有我,好吧。你們不僅是少數有校園裸奔傳統的學校,還在現場設置24小時直播攝影機。拜託,在直播攝影機前裸體,沒搞錯吧?你們年輕人知道這是不對的,這應該是你們快傳給彼此的畫面。你們還有一項與人物有關的校園傳統,我想請大家給校園理髮師Dean Shore一個歡呼。(歡呼聲)他在那裡,Dean就在那裡。事實上他最初是透過Facebook聯繫我,就在我飛機降落的那一刻。他是很多學生的朋友,也是舊時代的產物。因為當最出名的當地名人是理髮師時,基本上你身處的是中世紀村莊。(笑聲)但在所有當地名人中,沒有人比你們的吉祥物Demon Deacon更出名。人人都愛Deacon,當他騎機車出現在籃球比賽現場時,群眾陷入瘋狂,只有真正球迷的熱情或在密閉空間吸入機車廢氣才會引發的那種瘋狂。(笑聲)

 

自從失去馬匹的流浪者創立這所勞動學校後,顯然維克弗斯特已取得極大的成就。但無論維克弗斯特多麼傑出,都已成為你們的過去式。身為畢業演講嘉賓,我的責任就是讓你們為未來做好準備。說明如下:沒人知道未來會發生什麼事,即使伊隆.馬斯克也不知道,那就是他為何打造那些火箭,他想在另一個世界進行「B計畫」。但無論發生什麼事,我認為我是告知你們這一切的適當人選,因為我花了多年時間學習盡力做好一件事,我十分安於我為自己所定義的定位、角色和責任。但現在,我生命的這部分已經結束,是向現在的我們告別的時候了。我們盡力追求完美,對未來的人生進行關鍵性決定。對我來說,我必須學習如何每晚做一小時節目;對你們來說,則是睡覺。我說過,聰明藥Adderall總會失效的。祝好運。但這種不確定性對你們這一代來說並非新鮮事,未來總是充滿不確定,我們唯一確定會發生在2016年的一件事,就是我們將選出一位新總統。這段時間當中大概有這麼多人會成為共和黨候選人。是的,你們畢業後將進入選舉年,這是「選舉前兩年」的政治術語。許多候選人將爭奪你的注意力,你將執行最終公民義務,決定哪位候選人向左滑(沒興趣)、哪位候選人向右滑(有興趣),因為我認為我們會在Tinder(交友app)投票,至少共和黨員如此。民主黨員或許會在Grindr投票(同志交友app),我不知道。(笑聲)(掌聲)

 

而-鑒於這些人對你的訴求,你必須盡快學習如何分辨誇大與真實言論,因此為了避免這些人灌輸你不切實際的概念和想法,你需要一個校正好的「鬼話偵測器」。幸運的是,今天我以超低價販售,只需89.95美元,現在訂購將附贈「抗鬼話旅行組」,這就是Stephen Colbert牌「鬼話偵測器」。如果你相信,代表你確實需要它。還有一件你更需要的事物,那就是屬於你的標準。聽起來似乎有悖常理,但一旦你離開這裡,你的表現或許無法獲得評判,因為當你離開學校,將不再擁有評判成就的客觀標準。有時我這個年齡的人會告訴你:「嘿,你做的工作、你說的話、你支持的理由不好。」擁有屬於自己的標準將幫助你渡過像這樣的時刻,擁有屬於自己的標準將使你在他人認定失敗的情況下看見成功的機會。我想起一位著名的發明家,他的夢想曾受人嘲笑。但快轉到15年前,現在我們是否都騎電動代步車上班?我們沒有。但-它們在電影《百貨戰警》裡大出風頭,這也很棒。

 

以下是另一個例子。這些年來我在工作上花了很多心思,我對成功有自己的標準,我十分瞭解什麼笑話會讓人發笑,什麼笑話不一定能讓人發笑,但我還是會說那些笑話,因為我喜歡這種不確定性。這些年來看過我節目的人都知道我多次決定這麼做。但遵循自己的標準正是我在沒人發笑時能堅持下去的理由,或訪談對象可能揍我一拳的理由。這也是為何我的墓誌銘可能寫著:「好吧,我以為這很有趣。」當然,任何值得擁有的標準都不免面臨挑戰,大多時候你會功虧一簣,但擁有自己的標準的好處是,從現在開始你將為自己打分數。因此幫自己一個忙:別太苛刻,讓自己符合成績常態分布;替自己加分,你有這個權力。現在你是自己的教授,我知道這聽起來有點令人毛骨悚然,因為這意味著你和自己的教授共浴。但你有終身聘,他們不能解僱你。因此我希望你有勇氣自行決定何謂對錯。然後,拜託對周遭世界盡可能抱著期待,試著按照你的標準讓世界變得更好。這並非易事,準備好面對我這一代告訴你們那些不可能完成的事,例如終結種族對立、讓金錢不再與政治掛勾、或降低全球碳排放量。我們應該知道這是不可能做到的事,畢竟我們尚未出手。你們的任務-「讓人類變得更好」就是證明我們錯了。因為如果你們不能證明我們錯了,不妨忘了我所說的一切。

 

我想分享一些我從這個週末所看的紀錄片中擷取的智慧,片名是《瘋狂的麥克斯:狂暴之路》。所有年輕人未來需要完成的事,就是可靠的燃料來源和心理變態機車殺手的狂熱。願你們擁有長遠、閃耀而繽紛的未來,感謝你們給予我這個榮幸來此演講。再次恭喜2015年維克弗斯特畢業生。(歡呼聲)(掌聲)

 

以下為系統擷取之英文原文

About this Talk

Comedian Stephen Colbert gave the 2015 commencement address, and while there were jokes, he did have some advice for students.

About the Speaker

Stephen Tyrone Colbert (born May 13, 1964) is an American comedian, writer, producer, actor, media critic, and television host. From 2005 to 2014, he was the host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, a satirical news show in which Colbert portrayed a caricatured version of conservative political pundits. It was announced on April 10, 2014, that Colbert had been chosen to succeed David Letterman as the host of the Late Show on CBS after Letterman's retirement in May 2015.

Transcript

Good morning. Oh, what a day. What a lovely day. It’s a pleasure to be addressing the Wake Forest graduating Class of 2015. I want to start by thanking the administration and the Trustees for inviting me to speak. I want to thank them for giving me an honorary Doctorate of Humanities. I’m a huge fan of humans. And I have to thank them for this thing around my neck. There’s nothing you want on a chilly day like today than a nice scarf.

I especially want to thank the University president, Nathan O. Hatch, known to you as Nate Dawg, Natty O, the Hatchet, Hatch Adam, Sen. Orrin Hatch, Angel Dust. And I only made a couple of those up.

Of course, we mustn’t forget the parents, who, to get you students to this day, have sacrificed so many things, primarily money. I’m sure there are other things they’ve sacrificed, but I’m gonna guess that money’s the one they bring up most often.

Most importantly, congratulations to you, the Class of 2015. You did it.

And you look amazing. Although it’s a little embarrassing you all showed up in the same outfit. Really. Even all the accessories are the same. Everyone has a black and gold tassel. Or, is it blue and white? Grandparents, just know this was the issue that divided a generation. You had the Vietnam War. Your grandchildren had an ambiguously colored Tumblr post.

I am so proud to be your Commencement speaker today, cause I know I am following in some impressive footsteps. Last year, you heard from New York Times Executive Editor Jill Abramson, who, unfortunately, lost her job just five days before her speech. Is there something you know about my new job that I don’t? Please. Just tell me. I really need that money. I have kids in college.

Of course for you grads, the future is a dark chasm of yawning uncertainty. But don’t worry. You don’t have to face the future for like two hours — first brunch then yawning uncertainty. But for now, you are still nestled in the beautiful, comforting bosom of Wake Forest.

There’s an interesting story about how this institution came to be. The father of Wake Forest, Samuel Wait, was trying to raise money for a different school, but during his travels his horse ran off, and he became stranded nearby. So the locals asked him to lead their new university. It was a simpler time. Back then, they just handed out universities to whoever’s horse had run off most recently. This man has no control over his animals? Surely, he has something to teach us all.

Of course, Wake Forest or Wack Fo as I’ve been asked by Provost Kersh not to call it, wasn’t always the purely academic institution it is today. It was founded as the seductively named Wake Forest Manual Labor Institute. And students spent half their day toiling in the fields. The first class had just 16 students, one of them just 12 years old. But, he was a prodigy. He could haul sacks of grain at a college level.

Back then, of course, if you didn’t get into the Wake Forest Manual Labor Institute, you could always settle for the North Carolina Crushing Toil Academy, which now, of course, is known as UNC.

Wake Forest has always been a leader. In the late 19th century, this was among the first Southern schools to teach biology in a lab. Before then, you weren’t supposed to learn biology until marriage.

In 1962, Wake Forest had the proud distinction of being the South’s first major private school to integrate. And, yes…they’ve kept it up. All right. Good. Good. You don’t know these days. You don’t know.

Even now, Wake Forest is a trailblazer. You were America’s first top 30 school to make standardized testing optional. The implications are huge. Consider this: In a group of 30 applicants, where 15 took the SATs, 10 took the ACTs and five took no test, calculate the ratio between…actually, forget it. You all didn’t have to know any of that stuff.

Still, while Wake has been a trailblazer, this is a school that respects tradition. Traditions like rolling the Quad with toilet paper after big wins. And this is actually an eco-friendly tradition because, looking at this season’s win-loss record, you guys saved a lot of paper.

Let me win you back. Duke sucks.

I do want to say one thing that I love about rolling the Quad. It really sticks it to the trees. I mean, covering a tree with the processed pulp of its relatives? That sends a harsh message. That’s like throwing wallets at an alligator or flinging piano keys at an elephant.

Speaking of the Quad. Streaking. Is anyone here naked under their robes? No? Just me. Ok. You are the rare school that not only streaks your Quad; you also have a 24-hour live webcam pointed at it. Come on. Naked on a webcam, really? You young people know that’s wrong. Those are the kind of pictures you’re supposed to Snapchat to each other.

You people also have campus traditions that are people. I want to give a shout out to Mr. Dean Shore, the University barber. There he is. Right there. Dean actually contacted me first by sending me a Facebook request the minute my plane landed. He is a friend to so many students, and a real throwback to a simpler time because when your biggest local celebrity is a barber, you’re basically a medieval village.

But of all the local celebrities, none is more famous than your mascot, the Demon Deacon. Everybody loves the Deacon. When he rides out on his motorcycle during basketball games, the crowd erupts with a madness that can come only from the passion of true fans or from inhaling motorcycle fumes in an enclosed space.

Clearly, Wake Forest has come a long way since it was a labor school founded by a horseless drifter. But as great as Wake Forest is, Wake is your past now. It is my responsibility as a commencement speaker to prepare you for what awaits you in the future.

Here it is: No one has any idea what’s going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That’s why he’s building those rockets. He wants a ‘Plan B’ on another world.

But whatever happens, I think it’s entirely appropriate that I’m the one talking to you right now. Because I just spent many years learning to do one thing really well. I got so comfortable with that place, that role, those responsibilities that it came to define how I saw myself. But now that part of my life is over. It’s time to say goodbye to the person we’ve become, we’ve worked so hard to perfect, and to make some crucial decisions about who we’re going to be. For me, I’ll have to figure out how to do an hour-long show every night. And you, at some point, will have to sleep. I am told the Adderall wears off eventually. Good luck.

But this uncertainty is not new to your generation. The future is always uncertain. The only thing we can be sure will happen in 2016 is that we’ll elect a new president. And that between now and then, about this many people will run as the Republican nominee.

Yes, you are graduating into an election year, which is the technical term for “two years before an election.” A lot of candidates will be vying for your attention, and you will perform the ultimate civic duty: deciding for whom you will swipe left and for whom you will swipe right. Because I think we’re voting on Tinder now. At least the Republicans are. Democrats might be voting on Grindr. I don’t know.

And with all these people appealing to you, you’re going to have to learn pretty damn quick how to tell the difference between hype and substance. So to keep folks from selling you things and ideas that aren’t true, you will need a well calibrated BS detector. And luckily, I’m selling them today for the low, low price of just $89.95. Order now and I’ll include an anti-flim-flam travel case. That’s Stephen Colbert’s BS detector. If you buy it, that means you needed it.

And if there’s one thing you need even more, it’s your own set of standards. It may seem counterintuitive now, but once you leave here, you may miss being graded on all your work. Because when you’re out of school, there are no objective criteria for achievement anymore.

People my age will sometimes say to you, “Hey, that work you did, that thing you said, that cause you championed, it’s not good.” Well, having your own standards will help you weather moments like that. Having your own standards allows you to perceive success where others may see failure.

I’m reminded of one famous inventor who was ridiculed for his dream. But flash forward 15 years to the day. And do we or do we not now all ride Segways to work? We do not, but they are featured prominently in the movie Paul Blart: Mall Cop. That’s good, too.

Here’s another example. Over the years, I have given my work a lot of thought. I have my own standard for success now. I have a pretty good idea of what jokes will get laughs and a pretty good idea of what jokes may be iffy. But I’m going to say them anyway because I kind of like how iffy they are. Those who have watched my show over the years know I have made that decision many times. But having my own standards is why I could keep going at times when no one laughed or when I thought the person I was interviewing might throw a punch at me. It’s also why the epitaph on my tombstone will probably read, “Well, I thought it was funny.”

Of course, any standards worth having will be a challenge to meet. And most of the time, you will fall short. But what is nice about having your own set of standards is that from now on, you fill out your own report card. So do yourself a favor: Be an easy grader. Score yourself on a curve. Give yourself extra credit. You have the power. You are your own professor now. Which I know is a little creepy because that means you’re showering with your professor. But you have tenure. They can’t fire you.

So I hope you find the courage to decide for yourself what is right and what is wrong. And then, please expect as much of the world around you. Try to make the world good according to your standards. It won’t be easy. Get ready for my generation to tell you everything that can’t be done — like ending racial tension, or getting money out of politics, or lowering the world’s carbon emissions. And we should know they can’t be done. After all, we’re the ones who didn’t do them.

Your job, Pro Humanitate, is to prove us wrong. Because if you don’t prove us wrong, then forget everything I’ve been saying.

And instead, I’d like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers. May you ride eternal, shiny and chrome.

Thank you for the honor of addressing you. And congratulations again to the Wake Forest Class of 2015.


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Anonymous, 2015-10-14 01:57:51

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